It was a warm summer day up in Lake George, New York at my uncle’s house. The lake looked extremely calm and was sparkling clean. It was one of my favorite places to be at this time of the year. It’s a place where we go to have a relaxing vacation and spend time with family. We would try all different things at the lake such as water tubing, water skiing, and learning to drive the boat.
As the day went on I wanted to try something new. My uncle just bought two brand new kayaks and I really wanted to try them. I never have kayaked before and had no clue even how too. Looking at the bright orange kayak I thought it would be simple and nothing to it. Before taking it out I asked my uncles permission to use it. He replied “You sure you know how kayak Brian?” Staring at him I replied “Yeah it is simple.” I took off on the kayak as fast as I could to a little island in the middle of the lake. Not knowing how to paddle correctly, I spun around and flipped upside down. I could hear the sound of animals in the water and I started to panic. A thought of a Snapping turtle taking off my toe was the first thing that came to my mind. Without any thought I started to yell for help. My voice echoed over the lake but nobody seemed to hear me. While trying to hold up the kayak and myself I continued to yell. Luckily I got the attention of my uncle and he rushed out on his boat and rescued me. As I got onto the boat my hands and feet were still shaking from being so nervous and I went back to the house. I decided to never use the kayak again.
Word Count-300
Story Point: Always follow directions and learn how to do things before you attempt them. Assuming you know how to do certain things without practice or experience can be dangerous.
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This is a strong first draft. Be sure to clarify the actual moment of flipping the kayak and getting out. That was the only part that was confusing. I enjoyed the story. I like how you captured being shaken up after you got in your uncle's boat. I would recommend using a kayak again though, especially one without one of those apron things. I had a great time kayaking in Maine on a lake and it was the only time i've ever kayaked. Nothing bad happened.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I noticed is that "kayak" is spelled wrong in the title, but I know it's a typo. My main critique is still to clarify the moment when you flip over into the water.. without specifying that you managed to flip back over it's a bit confusing. The only other suggestion I have is to maybe simplify the point into one sentence. I think that would make it more powerful.. (also, the rubric says one sentence so I don't know if she would take points off or not). Can't wait to see your revisions!
ReplyDeleteI liked the story. Just a suggestion... but maybe start off by showing us your experience and then going into detail on how you go out there..kind of work backwards in a sense. I think it would capture the reader more if the first sentence was something like "The lonliness i felt as nobody answered my plead for help as my body trembled in the water...and blah blah blah.hah just a thought!
ReplyDeleteThe story is great, however what I would do to improve upon it is give more visual details about the scene.
ReplyDeleteI like how I could feel the fear of the situation very well.